dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
