dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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