I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
