Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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