Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize