you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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