Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize