hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think I just sharted jello shots
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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