bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You took a bar mat shot.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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