let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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