the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
