mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
