You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
