I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
