There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
