Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
