soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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