I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
