if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
