Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
well, you know. whores of a feather.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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