I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
