I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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