Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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