Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
