just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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