I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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