don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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