Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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