What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
