i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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