you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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