the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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