Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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