i'm signing you up for texting rehab
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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