We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
