My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
