What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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