I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
