Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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