Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
