In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
