8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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