guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
