Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
