Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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