My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
