why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
