I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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