How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
