Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
