remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
