Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
