I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
