he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize