I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
