it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
