My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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