I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
