I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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