There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
